Here I am. This is Me.
"We may never know if we will reach our destination.. or not,
My Nanaji (maternal grandfather) went into a permanent sleep today, liberating himself from all the pain and suffering from the last few months, and last few years.
We knew it was coming. Few months ago we knew he would not last too long, but he keep braving and living. This morning again we knew he wouldn't survive too long, after being put on ventilation support.
Right through the last few weeks I knew he was very ill, but something kept telling me he would be okay just like how he has managed to come out of all odds in the last few years. But the news of his demise a few hours ago has put me in shock.
I do not know how it can be so weird.. that all along the way we knew he was not going to survive too long and we seemed to be 'okay' but today after he has left us we are in a shock.
He lived a full life. Great singer, great harmonium player, a big heart where he often donated to religious and charitable causes, sincere devotee of god, lover of good food, beautiful laugh, cleanliness freak, always neatly trimmed and oiled hair, lived life at his pace in his own space..
For the last few months he had been suffering a lot due to various physical paid.. he kept trying.. but today finally when the life support system seemed to deprive him of his own pace he decided he had had enough.. and left us all in tears, but also a sense of calm that he did not have to suffer any more.
84 is a good age.. he lived life full.. but then no age is a good age to lose a loved one and let them go.. and then you are back to asking questions from life.. and questions for which you know you will never get the answers.
Perhaps my mum and dad sensed this long ago, and pushed me to take this picture 8 months ago when I went to visit them earlier this year.
I feel for my grandmother.. and I feel for my own loss of sanity at having traveled the world so much, exposed myself to so many endless possibilities that I am not even in a state to return home to be with my family. It is then that I feel that I wish I had not seen so much in my life that makes me fear wanting to go back to where I came from..
Nanaji.. I remember how almost 20 years ago when you had new air conditioners in the house and in the intense summer heat we kids would be eager to sleep in your mosaic floored room on the 1F to sleep under those thick, heavy blankets with the air cons on full chill, without having to worry about watering the previous coolers at night, and sometimes wake up with sore throats. I remember how elegant and handsome you looked in that 'Safari Suit' of yours. I remember sitting with you in the card shop in the busy Gole Bazaar street. You were such a gentleman Nanaji.. and a truly virtuous man for as long as I know you. I never ever heard you complain about anybody or anything or even the pain you were suffering from in the last few months.. Wish we newbies could learn a thing or two from you old folks.. wish time could roll back to 20 years ago..
Will miss you Nanaji.. I have very fond memories of growing up with you around, that music, that bonding, that selfless love, that sincere, unshakeable love for god.
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